in the least excusable of ways; it is physical conceit, a false conscientiousness that people think me-confound! I can not say the words; but wish I did not feel so. It is the result of the flattery, in words or implied, which I receive here. Their words often mean something different to ours; -they said I was "better looking" than last year; and I suppose they mean healthier & bolder. Isn't all this interesting, Helen? I am in love with my cousin who lives down the road! She is nearly 20, very pretty, the picture of health, good spirits, strength, & willingness to work, noticed the other day her neck seemed to meet her shoulders like a pillar of snow. Only she has a poor voice; the carriage of a servant; and very little sense. You will be surprised at the last remark! But she once showed great intelligence & zeal in reading, but was sent early by nescessity to work in the detestable tin works & now never sees a book. Like every poor fool who can't make
anything of himself, I should like to try to make Something of her. And to be freed to talk only families scandal or comical tales, to such a girl! It is another of the ironies of this place. Of course I never see her alone, or in any serious mood. -As a matter of fact, she has probably more cause to care for my presence than I of hers: for she is unfortunately satisfied with my poor humour; but I am certainly not with hers-and see only her person & her miner nature to admire, which is never shown. Of course I say to myself I should like to be friends with her for a day or two. I wonder! I really should like to try the experiment; it would be delightful & interesting- if only entire freedom & solitude were ours-Do you find this interesting? It need not be alarming; for I believe I am a very harmless fool. In this case, it is the confines of my aquaintance with girls that makes the attraction of a more animal loveableness possible. Oh! yes! I see my attitude; it is this. I should like to make her sing & dance prettily;
to dress her, (after taking off her rags & seeing her limbs & shoulders) & dress her like a doll; kiss her & play with her; & then have liberty to leave her alone until I choose to go again, which would be very soon after the first meeting, not so soon after the second-& so on. What rot!
No letter from you today again in answer to the one you should have had on Saturday or Sunday; of course I had one yesterday though & was made glad by it. Your behavour in the game with the Andrewses is not perfect, but still-all right: the result is satisfactory indeed pleasant to me .
I am glad you liked Ino & Helle. I admit the soliloquy is weak in the manner you say , & will try an alteration . The thing, I feel, is so long that perfecting it means long work at it: perhaps in the end I shall have to make it only a tale, leaving the most tolerable speeches in. -I could not get a Speaker , so don't know whether the paper did really appear. If you have
bought one, lend it to me, if you can send it at once; if not, don't trouble; for Arthur will send one at the weeks end. I am anxious to see it.-At last I have written part of a whole not a mere scrap of observation. It is the "Elaine" episode, which I have long turned over in my mind.
Reggie is showing a dangerous liking for poetry, dangerous considering his abomniable dreaminess & sieveheadedness. Still he knows decidedly more about Shakespeare, though less about every one else, than I did, at his age. You see he goes often to the theatre, and has seen some of Shakespeare-as Hamlets for instance. I fear he is very much like me-even in temper, too; "sweetness, pigheadedness, self will" as the phraseologist said, also "fond of music"in an unhealthy, voluptuous fashion. Still he may die before he comes to harm; he is more delicate than I. Are you enjoying Mallory, & the Tempest at Holmwood; I was very glad to see that the place was pretty & that
you liked it & were tasting it joyously already. Or do you prefer the the fern & heather (& perhaps firs?) with their marvellous life?
You see I am good humoured, & yet a little spiteful as is my way. It nearly satisfies you does it little one, Say goodbye little one now; & if you are very well & a little angry & yet happy, slap me or speak cruelly to me to wake me from my indolence. Now let us kiss; let me see your free (illegible)- can I? Goodbye. In life I am your truest fondest friend Edw & you’re ever my own sweet little one, my anemone maiden,. Sweet heart dear Helen, Goodbye. Goodbye.
7:30pm Monday
What about that money?